Remember That Time You Shit Your Pants ON AN AEROPLANE?

Tracey at Tombs of the Nobles

Oh God.

It’s not over.

Remember just last week I inferred that I had shit my pants in Egypt? Remember how I promised on facebook to not write any more poo posts?

Well….

THIS WEEK

I SHIT MY PANTS ON AN AEROPLANE!

Yes. I did.

I’m not really sure what happened but I’ll give you the story so you can laugh your butt off at my expense. Why start keeping secrets now huh?

I’ve had an upset tummy since about day 4 in Egypt. That was way back on the 3rd of October! It would be OK for a day or so and then back to horrific wind pains morning and night and the resulting explosions in the bathroom! During the day all was fine.

Until we drove 11 hours in a minivan through the desert from Aswan to Cairo. Mid trip the pains started but somehow I managed to hang on until we reached our hostel. (Most likely because my only option, were I to give in, were the most unbelievably gross squat toilets we’ve ever encountered!)

We were lucky enough to have a room with a bathroom and I made short work of using up ALL the toilet paper!

For the remaining 2 nights we had a shared bathroom. Morning and night I would visit and all the other guests were most likely wishing I wouldn’t! Still OK during the day though!

When we flew Cairo to Kuwait we had a midnight flight. All was fine on the plane.

We had a huge ballsup with travel plans with Kuwait Airways deciding for us that we would not be allowed into Kuwait for the day. Instead they held us to ranson and insisted we book hotel rooms and not leave them until our next flight to Sri Lanka.

I’m ashamed to say that we joked about doing bad things to the hotel room. Obviously we NEVER would, but we felt better. I distinctly remember joking that I would use up all the toilet paper to get my money’s worth!

Little did I know…….I was to spend a good part of the 16 hour stopover in the toilet!

And it continued as we prepared to board the plane. One hour before departure I took a gastro-stop type medication, assuming that would turn everything to concrete and I would be good to go.

The first half of the 5 hour flight was fine. (Well, if you don’t count the exotic smells I was producing!)

I even ate the meal I was feeling so good. Jono was sitting next to me and I’ll confess that I ate his dessert as well as my own. (Hey – it was an indian custard type thing with bits of fruit! I couldn’t heeeeeeelp it….!)

I think that somehow loosened the concrete.

I had one trip to the toilet at the front of the plane.

Half hour later another trip.

I took another tablet thinking things would settle.

Then I started to burp…..If Jono could have wound down the window of the plane and stuck his head out he would have stayed that way for the entire trip. Seriously he was gagging.

Hell, I was gagging!!

Then another 20 minutes after that another trip to the toilet!

And again…..

Most people were asleep in first class but I was starting to worry what they would think about all my visits to their section.

I started to check whether there was a line up the back!

Then it happened….they served chocolate muffins…..

As I unwrapped mine there was an almighty lurch from my stomach…..like something out of Aliens! Or that scene in Eclipse where Bella drops the blood and the vampy baby in her stomach goes for it trying to break through her skin….!

Yep……it was just like that!

Pandemonium ensued…

I sat up dead straight in my chair, wide-eyed as I realised this was not just wind! I threw my muffin at Jono and scrambled to get out of my chair. Thank god the air steward had moved down the aisle or I would have bowled him over!

Jono was saying “Go mum, GO!!” (Hey – this was not his first rodeo!) I leapt up, and took off down the aisle only to be dragged back by the head as I was still wearing my headphones!  I ripped them off and hurled them wherever they landed. As I ran down the plane aisle minus my shoes I realised I was too late!

I was over-confident.

I THOUGHT THIS COULDN’T HAPPEN AGAIN!

In the toilet after I’d cleaned up the mess and disposed of yet another pair of my fast-dwinding underwear supply I discovered I was shaking.

Close to tears……but also considering giggling insanely…

Hands shaking…I scrubbed them until my skin was red. Then I decided I better sniff my jeans and make sure I wasn’t taking any bonus items back to my seat for the other passengers! I had to take them off to do this – thank god there were no cameras in the toilet!

At this point I was actually considering opening the exit door and jumping out of the plane! My brain was SCREAMING at me “I have to get off this plane!” “I have to get off this plane!” “How am I going to make it to Sri Lanka?”

I knew I had to go back to my seat and I glanced at my reflection in the mirror.

Some weirdo was looking back at me!

She was sweaty, had crazy hair and her sunglasses were hanging off sideways.

There was panic in her eyes.

My eyes.

I was doomed.

Back to my seat I go. I last 15 minutes. Back to the toilet.

Back to my seat. I check how long there is left of the flight.

Oh shit (!) There’s 90 minutes left.

(I have to get off this plane!)

I take another tablet and sit in my seat and pray for god to save me from this hell!

I get my toothbrush out and head off to the toilet again. I kind of wave it around so everyone thinks I’m just freshening up to land! As if everything was fine!

I’m quietly confident that those sitting near us have no idea. Maybe a couple have put my constant visits to the toilet and the exotic smells together.

For anyone who hasn’t…..there’s my family to the rescue…..

Kate and Gert giggled pretty much the rest of the flight after “the incident”. In fact, they were practically catatonic with laughter!

Kate asked loudly if I was wearing underwear. Jono kept loudly saying “MUM!” every time I burped.

20 minutes to go, the seatbelt sign is on and we are getting ready to land. I know I’m not going to make it so I beg the flight attendant to let me rush to the toilet.

HE SAYS NO!!

I beg and plead and tell him the aeroplane will not be pleasant if he doesn’t let me go.

He’s not convinced so Gert very helpfully announces over the sound of the aeroplane “SHE’S GOT DIARRHEA!”

That gets permission swiftly granted and again I run, minus my shoes, to the toilet.

When I emerge even the crew are strapping themselves into their seats!

I try to ignore that a few more people are giggling now as well as Kate and Gert! My shame is complete!

I made it into the terminal and had to use the toilet 3 times in the hour and a half it took to get our visa and go through immigration.

As soon as we were in the taxi for the 90 minute drive, I had to go again.

The poor driver returned to the airport and found a public toilet and my 9 month run of not ever doing poop in a squat toilet came to an end.

That was it….

I finally had a little cry all by myself in the most enormous toilet cubicle in the world……..

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Posted in Egypt, Humour permalink

About Tracey Pedersen

We are an ordinary Aussie family who decided to have a BIG adventure in 2012. A Life Changing Year of adventure it was! We have now set off on our indefinite travel adventures as a family of 3. Also helping others to do the same!

Comments

Remember That Time You Shit Your Pants ON AN AEROPLANE? — 48 Comments

    • It’s funny to me now Phil. Took a day or two to get my humour back though! We are flying to Singapore tonight….I’m not eating a damn thing between now and when we land!

    • As long as you’re amused my work is done Kym! Flying tonight. Cross your fingers there’s not more of the same!

  1. OMG Tracey- I am speechless……that truely was HELL!!!! but I so admire your courage and sense of humour….i read it out to my huuby and we were both laughing and shaking our heads in disbelief…. very funny. and traumatic actually LOL!!!!!

    • It’s funny which trauma will affect your brain Kim. Lose a kid, I’m fine until I find them. Heat exhaustion, no probs – a drink and a sleep will fix that. 26 hours on a Vietnamese sleeping bus with squat toilets and other exotic traumas – sweet! Shit my pants in a flying tin can – FREAK OUT!!!!!!

  2. got news for you – that doesn’t sound like your standard run of the mill delhi belly. I suggest a trip to the doc when you get a chance for some antibiotics or something. Giardia or something equally horrid it might be – which would explain why the gastro tabs didn’t help as much as they should have. :(

    I hope you are better now and geez I am glad I wasn’t on that plane with you! LOL

    • Hmm..been thinking the same! Made it to Singapore overnight with just a few aches but I’ve barely eaten all day just to make sure I made it! Lol. If it continues in Singapore I’ll definitely have to seek out a doctor. Wouldn’t they be amused if we rocked up in Thailand again where they gave us our jabs and treated us for our stupid sunburn? Can just see them labeling our cards “stupid westerners!”

    • Oh wow. Who knew snakes had that going on? And isn’t it hilarious that we can laugh so heartily at others when we’ve been through the same! One thing is certain…I will NEVER kiss a snake!

    • Ahhh…good old Beavis & Butthead! All these weeks later it’s hilariously funny even to me! Pity the poor others on the plane though!

    • Hmmm Melissa…..I’m pretty sure crazed soiling of yourself is worth it for an Adonis of a doctor! Not sure it’s the best way to make an impression though…………

    • Oh god. I can just imagine the shame of someone else having to help clean up! I lived with the fear of this happening for a whole 4 weeks while this went on!! So glad it seems to have cleared up now!! I bet reminding each other of Miami can reduce you both to giggles these days?

  3. Man that it my worst fear!!! I have a real phobia of public toilets and had a similar experience to you when we were in Egypt. I developed Pharaoh’s revenge on a trip to Cairo in the blistering heat, still mortified and cringe thinking of the other people in the bathrooms of the Cairo Museum now!!
    Maddie recently posted..An out of this world encounter in RoswellMy Profile

    • Hey Maddie – I wouldn’t even worry about it! From what we heard in the toilets in Sri Lanka, just about everyone arriving from Egypt was suffering! It was like a symphony of wind instruments! Interspersed with my daughter and I giggling……!

  4. I have jusy nearly wet myself with laughing….again! Only a trampoline has the same effect on my bladder as your posts! Cheers for that-can’t wait for Gabi Klaff to read it, it might just finish her off!

    • Ahhh Melanie…..glad I could make you laugh. And you get all that without having all your bits jiggling around on a trampoline! win-win really!!!

    • Can you believe they are not fail-safe Rochelle??? I was shocked to discover that – especially under the circumstances!!!! You live and learn!! And I’ll be super wary when it comes time to visit India!!!

    • BAHAHAHAHA!! Follow through – so funny! Haven’t I had that term thrown at me a few times in the last week! I’ve yet to visit India – I expect there’ll be some great blog posts to come out of it!

    • I think I’m almost back to normal Loreena. And don’t these posts inspire you to go overseas? How can you resist the prospect of diarrhea in a squat toilet or on a 10 hour bus ride? Or 4 days of vomiting in Cambodia? Or mosquitos so thick you can cut the air with them? No? How ’bout riding an elephant in the forrest? Or seeing the pyramids and actually climbing right down inside one? Those are the things we will really remember…the yukky stories will be saved for 21st birthdays and other public, embarrassing places!!!

    • Hey Adrienne – I’m just so lucky there were no lines for the bathroom on the aeroplane. I’ve never flown and not had to line up. Did I mention that that was so, so lucky? For everyone on board – not just for me!!!!

    • hahaha….Glad you liked it Jennifer. I noticed someone found us from google by typing “life changing year, shit, egypt!” Must have been trying to remember where it was to show someone else I reckon!! Still makes me giggle when I think about it!

    • I am hopeful that I will never, ever, ever have an experience quite as bad as that again! At least reading that post has me giggling like a crazy person. From the look of your site you travel often – hope you’ve never had it quite that bad!

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