It’s not over.
Remember just last week I inferred that I had shit my pants in Egypt? Remember how I promised on facebook to not write any more poo posts?
I SHIT MY PANTS ON AN AEROPLANE!
Yes. I did.
I’m not really sure what happened but I’ll give you the story so you can laugh your butt off at my expense. Why start keeping secrets now huh?
I’ve had an upset tummy since about day 4 in Egypt. That was way back on the 3rd of October! It would be OK for a day or so and then back to horrific wind pains morning and night and the resulting explosions in the bathroom! During the day all was fine.
Until we drove 11 hours in a minivan through the desert from Aswan to Cairo. Mid trip the pains started but somehow I managed to hang on until we reached our hostel. (Most likely because my only option, were I to give in, were the most unbelievably gross squat toilets we’ve ever encountered!)
We were lucky enough to have a room with a bathroom and I made short work of using up ALL the toilet paper!
For the remaining 2 nights we had a shared bathroom. Morning and night I would visit and all the other guests were most likely wishing I wouldn’t! Still OK during the day though!
When we flew Cairo to Kuwait we had a midnight flight. All was fine on the plane.
We had a huge ballsup with travel plans with Kuwait Airways deciding for us that we would not be allowed into Kuwait for the day. Instead they held us to ranson and insisted we book hotel rooms and not leave them until our next flight to Sri Lanka.
I’m ashamed to say that we joked about doing bad things to the hotel room. Obviously we NEVER would, but we felt better. I distinctly remember joking that I would use up all the toilet paper to get my money’s worth!
Little did I know…….I was to spend a good part of the 16 hour stopover in the toilet!
And it continued as we prepared to board the plane. One hour before departure I took a gastro-stop type medication, assuming that would turn everything to concrete and I would be good to go.
The first half of the 5 hour flight was fine. (Well, if you don’t count the exotic smells I was producing!)
I even ate the meal I was feeling so good. Jono was sitting next to me and I’ll confess that I ate his dessert as well as my own. (Hey – it was an indian custard type thing with bits of fruit! I couldn’t heeeeeeelp it….!)
I think that somehow loosened the concrete.
I had one trip to the toilet at the front of the plane.
Half hour later another trip.
I took another tablet thinking things would settle.
Then I started to burp…..If Jono could have wound down the window of the plane and stuck his head out he would have stayed that way for the entire trip. Seriously he was gagging.
Hell, I was gagging!!
Then another 20 minutes after that another trip to the toilet!
Most people were asleep in first class but I was starting to worry what they would think about all my visits to their section.
I started to check whether there was a line up the back!
Then it happened….they served chocolate muffins…..
As I unwrapped mine there was an almighty lurch from my stomach…..like something out of Aliens! Or that scene in Eclipse where Bella drops the blood and the vampy baby in her stomach goes for it trying to break through her skin….!
Yep……it was just like that!
I sat up dead straight in my chair, wide-eyed as I realised this was not just wind! I threw my muffin at Jono and scrambled to get out of my chair. Thank god the air steward had moved down the aisle or I would have bowled him over!
Jono was saying “Go mum, GO!!” (Hey – this was not his first rodeo!) I leapt up, and took off down the aisle only to be dragged back by the head as I was still wearing my headphones! I ripped them off and hurled them wherever they landed. As I ran down the plane aisle minus my shoes I realised I was too late!
I was over-confident.
I THOUGHT THIS COULDN’T HAPPEN AGAIN!
In the toilet after I’d cleaned up the mess and disposed of yet another pair of my fast-dwinding underwear supply I discovered I was shaking.
Close to tears……but also considering giggling insanely…
Hands shaking…I scrubbed them until my skin was red. Then I decided I better sniff my jeans and make sure I wasn’t taking any bonus items back to my seat for the other passengers! I had to take them off to do this – thank god there were no cameras in the toilet!
At this point I was actually considering opening the exit door and jumping out of the plane! My brain was SCREAMING at me “I have to get off this plane!” “I have to get off this plane!” “How am I going to make it to Sri Lanka?”
I knew I had to go back to my seat and I glanced at my reflection in the mirror.
Some weirdo was looking back at me!
She was sweaty, had crazy hair and her sunglasses were hanging off sideways.
There was panic in her eyes.
I was doomed.
Back to my seat I go. I last 15 minutes. Back to the toilet.
Back to my seat. I check how long there is left of the flight.
Oh shit (!) There’s 90 minutes left.
(I have to get off this plane!)
I take another tablet and sit in my seat and pray for god to save me from this hell!
I get my toothbrush out and head off to the toilet again. I kind of wave it around so everyone thinks I’m just freshening up to land! As if everything was fine!
I’m quietly confident that those sitting near us have no idea. Maybe a couple have put my constant visits to the toilet and the exotic smells together.
For anyone who hasn’t…..there’s my family to the rescue…..
Kate and Gert giggled pretty much the rest of the flight after “the incident”. In fact, they were practically catatonic with laughter!
Kate asked loudly if I was wearing underwear. Jono kept loudly saying “MUM!” every time I burped.
20 minutes to go, the seatbelt sign is on and we are getting ready to land. I know I’m not going to make it so I beg the flight attendant to let me rush to the toilet.
HE SAYS NO!!
I beg and plead and tell him the aeroplane will not be pleasant if he doesn’t let me go.
He’s not convinced so Gert very helpfully announces over the sound of the aeroplane “SHE’S GOT DIARRHEA!”
That gets permission swiftly granted and again I run, minus my shoes, to the toilet.
When I emerge even the crew are strapping themselves into their seats!
I try to ignore that a few more people are giggling now as well as Kate and Gert! My shame is complete!
I made it into the terminal and had to use the toilet 3 times in the hour and a half it took to get our visa and go through immigration.
As soon as we were in the taxi for the 90 minute drive, I had to go again.
The poor driver returned to the airport and found a public toilet and my 9 month run of not ever doing poop in a squat toilet came to an end.
That was it….
I finally had a little cry all by myself in the most enormous toilet cubicle in the world……..